Category: Joke Board
These are the unwritten rules from the highly over worked, but highly under paid technical support staff at an Internet service provider near you...
1) DO NOT talk over me. Listen damn it, you can't do what I tell you to do constantly jabbering bullshit over me. I talk... you do. Why did you even ask
me a question if you are going to answer it?
2) DO NOT call me and then put me on hold. You called me, genius! You want my help, stay on the line and listen. We have much better things to do than
talk to you anyway.
3) DO NOT read long error messages to me unless I ask you to. Do you honestly think we get anything out of a 50 digit hex number???
4) DO NOT start off a call by saying anything in the neighborhood of "Hi, how's it going?" or "Busy today?" That just serves to piss us off. Get to the
problem so we can get you off the phone. The day was great until I had to start answering your totally moronic questions.
5) DO NOT get pissed when we tell you that your system is royally screwed. We didn't screw it up. It wasn't us. We're simply telling it like it is.
6) DO NOT call about unrelated products. We DO NOT know the intimate details of every piece o' crap shareware program you dredge out of the Internet. Nor
do we want to. Stop it!
7) We DO NOT manufacture modems, write e-mail programs or engineer browsers. If something in this arena goes wrong, call the people who made the goddamned
thing. YOU DON'T USE THE INTERNET TO FAX!!! Can't stress that one enough.
8) DO NOT compare us to AOL when something goes wrong with your connection to us. If you had the computer literacy of an 8 year old with a broken Atari
2600 you'd know better. Everyone else connects just fine. It's just you. Keep that in mind. It's just you.
9) DO NOT call simply for the purpose of giving us your thoughts on the content of our home page or to request that we send you flyers so you can pass
them out at bridge tournaments and bingo night. Not only is this a waste of our time, but it encourages just the type of user tech support reps fear most...
the elderly.
10) DO NOT make us sit there on the phone while you tip toe through setup instructions so easy they were originally tested on lab chimps. We have better
things to do than act as zoo keepers.
11) DO NOT call us and complain about a problem with your system and then say you're not in front of your computer when we try and help you. We aren't
technological psychics.
12) DO NOT call us assuming the problem you're experiencing is our fault. If your computer crashes, performs illegal operations, gives you the blue screen
of death, or flips you off and runs away with the toaster to Mexico, you can be damn certain it isn't us who caused it.
13) DO NOT call us and announce to us that you don't know anything about computers. This really pisses us off. Trust me, we're well aware of that fact.
We figured it out the minute you called and announced "Help, the Internet is broken!" Something here definitely needs help. People who know computers don't
call us.
14) DO NOT call us and act as if you know all that are computers and that you're doing us a favour by gracing us with your call. This pisses us off more
than 13. Chiming in with stupid suggestions and comments only increases the already tremendous temptation we face to use you as an unwitting instrument
of destruction and really do some damage to your system. Not that you'd notice.
15) DO NOT (in addition to 14) say acronyms you don't know the meaning of or even what they are for. Just admit that you're completely lost and leave the
techno b.s. to us.
16) DO NOT call in if you can't speak English. This might seem like a small thing to you, but we find it just a tad annoying when we try and assess your
problem and we can only understand every fifth word you say. And no, just because those words may be 'computer' or 'broken' doesn't absolve you of the
offense.
17) DO NOT call in hoping to get another tech rep to tell you something different than the first one did. If one of us tells you your system is screwed,
it's screwed. The second guy is going to simply look at the log and tell you the same thing, it's screwed. That is of course unless you really piss him
off and then he's going to make sure your computer has the functionality of a house plant.
18) DO NOT be stoned or drunk when you call us. You wouldn't think this would need to actually be said, but believe me it's come up. For god sakes, if
you can't control yourself and must call, at least have the common courtesy to offer us some of what you're on.
<lol> I like 11.
Bob
I like 12 best. LOL, the computer running away with the toaster. Sounds like a match made in heaven.
Sure doesn't make me want to call tech support any time soon.
loved 12
I've got a tech support rule.
Do not call from a cell phone. The last thing we want is a dropped call.
love them all wasn't tech support but customer service rep, and can relate to some of these. love it
Download, it's actually like this. Call from a cellphone, because we don't really want to talk to you and you have a better shot of your call being dropped.
<lol> how did you find out.
Can you hear me now? Can you...
Bob
wow! I can definitely relate to most if not all of these.
I have anothwer rule. When you call us don't be talking on msn because we really don't give a damn about your conversation.
Good ones.
There should be rule that says "don't call us if it involves us getting off our chairs and going somewhere else other than our offices. We don't want to know."
Hahahaha. What lazy tech support!